Celebrate the journey!

you are so fucking special

I’m 36 days into my weight loss journey and closely approaching the 20lbs down mark [like literally ounces away]lol. Often I’ve had a tendency to focus on the destination and forget to celebrate the journey. 

So I wanted to take a moment to do just that. This has been a long road for me. It started with 100lb weight gain after sexual trauma in my early twenties. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin and spent over a decade hating my body yet living like everything was just fine. Until it wasn't.

I’d go on like nothing was wrong even though inside I was hurting. I remember dressing rooms especially where difficult. I’ve always loved style but I avoided shopping often because it meant I’d have to face myself in a dressing room mirror and at that time I hated what I saw. 

My shopping trips would often end in tears and I’d leave with something that fit vs. something that I felt good in or settle for just buying some cute accessories because the stores I wanted to shop at didn't have any clothes that fit. I didn’t quite get that the number on the label didn’t mean anything about me or my worth like I do now.

I'll never forget the day I put on a skirt for the first time in over a decade. I actually cried in the dressing room because for the first time I liked what I saw in the mirror. From that moment on I started to shop for things that fit my body type instead of just settling for clothes that fit regardless if it flattered my figure. I shifted the way I saw shopping, clothes, and labels.

Still, I rarely wanted to be seen or allow anyone to photograph me because it meant I’d have to face myself and what I had become. I know that sounds harsh but that's where I was at. I’d hide in photographs, in my clothes, in my outward happiness, I'd hid in my comedic relief and used my camera as my protective shield. 

I’d go through cycles of overeating & binge drinking to avoid feeling all of the emotions I didn’t want to feel. I kept trying to shove down my hurt with food & alcohol, I know now that it’s how I coped.

It wasn’t until I started facing my feelings that everything changed. I started healing myself from the inside out. I learned to love myself and my body. I discovered that all my body was ever trying to do was protect me. 

Its been a journey of loving, forgiving myself and others and learning to have deep compassion for myself. I went through phases along the way where I cried for myself and how mean I'd been to myself. I've shed tears and grieved the loss of my own power that I gave to my perpetrator for so many years. I also set him free with forgiveness along the way. 

Everything has changed for me since I've healed my trauma.

My relationship to food is completely shifted. It's become fuel now instead of a coping mechanism. I give my body what she's asking for now. I honor and listen to what she's asking for. 

My relationship to the scale changed too. I used to use it as a tool to beat myself up and then I rebelled against it completely and now I use it for what its for, simply a tool. It's now a tool I use to know if I'm heading in the right direction and to help me stay accountable to myself.

I've forgiven myself for being so hard on my body and my self. I came to love and embrace her just as she is and I came to understand that I swung the pendulum so far the other way that self-love & self-acceptance became an excuse not to take care of my body. 

I no longer hide from the camera and video. Speaking is my next hurdle to cross. I know I'm meant to share my story and being seen in front of an audience in person makes me want to puke a little but I know I can overcome that too. Just a short year ago I had never been in front of a camera and 8 months ago video was still terrifying for me to do. 

On April 16th I decided to make my weight loss journey public with the intention of holding myself accountable and inspiring others in whatever way it reaches them. This decision was me drawing my line in the sand to say no more. No more will I allow wounds of the past to have power over me and it's time to let go of the excess weight I carry with me. It's time to take control of my health once and for all. 

Afterall loving myself fully means giving my body the love and nourishment that she needs and loving her along every step of the way. It also means giving her a chance to express herself by moving in fun new ways that excite and delight her. 

Self-love is a journey, a journey of compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, gentleness, and nourishing yourself through each phase you go through for the rest of your life. For me, my next stage is shedding the layers of the past to reveal exactly who I know I am. 

I will miss this girl, she fought so hard to get here. I grieve her when I need to, and I hold strong to the truth that I know I'm becoming the fullest expression of who I'm meant to be. 

We all deserve that! 

xo- laurie marie

P.S. If you're needing support along your journey of transformation don't be afraid to reach out. PM me, let's connect. You don't have to go it alone. <3